Lie In Our Graves

As my senior year in college has commenced, I have begun running a gauntlet of foreign emotions and stages in my life that have been confusing, terrifying, exhilarating and exhausting. I can hear the clock ticking as my moments as a "care-free" college student come to an end and I have subconsciously started jamming every waking moment minute trying to fulfill my college dreams, aspirations and experiences. The result of my panic has been, shall I say, interesting.

After coming off an indescribable high from experiencing (yes, it is indeed and experience) the Dave Matthews Band at the Gorge and a last minute mini-vactation to Chicago and Philadelphia, I was thrust back into the daily grind. Get up at six. Shower, get ready, catch the bus. Work. Class. Work. Home. Homework. Bed. Rinse and repeat. Almost immediately after starting this monotonous regimen, I fell into a emotionally draining depression.

What's important to know about me: I'm a generally enthusiastic, happy human being. Feelings of sadness and anger are fleeting and rarely stick around for more than even an hour. I have bad days, but never have I had a bad couple of weeks. I was unable to shake the feelings of sorrow, grief, and anger that clouded my mind every morning. It was a frightening experience and began to concern me after a week. But I kept my mouth shut. I suffered quietly until it was unbearable and to the point where I noticed I actually was missing out on the experience of even being alive. Gradually I started to talk about how I felt with the people closest to me and within a week I could feel the bad feelings start to melt away and replaced by my old self.

As I reflect on what it was that sunk me into a depression, I realized it was a sudden lack of human connection. I thrive off being with people and going from a relatively free schedule in the summer time to a rigid, busy schedule surrounding school, I cut myself off socially. I've never realized how important it is to be myself around those I love on a daily basis. I've started to think more and more about other people and what kinds of relationships I want with them, how to compromise to ensure we enjoy each other, and prioritize my life around my needs, then my desires.

With two months ahead of me booked solid with things to do, both fun and not so fun, I know the most important thing will be to celebrate every moment and experience it like it's new, even if I've done it a hundred times before. I'll be a tourist in my own life.

"I can't believe that we would lie in our graves, wondering if we had spend our living days well. I can't believe that we would lie in our graves, dreaming of things that we might have been." - DMB

Quick Update and New Blog

It's been a long and lonely two months without posting a blog. My sincere apologies! I've been hard at work with summer quarter and only one week remains, then I will be free for a month!

I've got tons of plans coming up; a trip to Sun Lakes with the whole extended family, Dave Matthews Band at the Gorge over labor day weekend and to wrap up September, a trip to Chicago and Philly. Hopefully I'll have my camera charged and ready to go and some blog posting will be in order.

This last weekend I spent with my good friends Madeline and Gwen in Walla Walla for some wine tasting.  I will post a separate post all about the trip so I won't give anything away now.

Finally, I've had this idea for months now and finally got it up and going yesterday. My roommate Madeline and I are avid happy hour goers and our favorite thing to get is nachos. We started testing out the nachos at all our favorite bars and came up with the idea to blog our adventures and rate the bars and nachos we taste along the way, complete with pictures! So I finally got that blog up and running. If you'd like to see it (which trust me, you will) follow the link --> http://old-dirt-hill.blogspot.com/

'Tis it for now.

Inspiration Dancing Nancies

Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and thank God that you're not who you were a year ago? Five years ago? Five months ago? Five minutes ago?

Thinking back on every moment, circumstance, event, the only conclusion I can come up with is thank God that happened. Sometimes life looked dull. Often it looked bleak. It walked the fine line between comedy and drama. But it's always interesting. It's always new.

I can let me past define who I am or I can live in the now, being totally present to who I am. Who I create myself to be.

I love who I am.

"Could I have been anyone other than me/
Then I look up at the sky/
My mouth is open wide, lick and taste/
What's the use in worrying, what's the use in hurrying/
Turn, turn, we almost become dizzy"

Bliss. Or something like it.

Have you ever found yourself in a moment of complete bliss? When the world drops away and all that's left is the being part of human being?

It's small moments like these I crave.

From getting lost in the complex musical stylings of DMB to running the third mile on the Burke-Gillman, I find these moments are what propels me through each day.

I recently experienced what I call bliss when I turned on Led Zeppelin, turned off the lights, shut my eyes and just began to write. I didn't look at the keys of my computer, the bright screen in front of me or anything else in the room. I removed myself from the world for a short moment and experienced myself being completely free, unconstrained in every meaning of the word.

Now, if only that could be every day, every moment, that would be true bliss.

My world, right now

Nervous.
Anxious.
Upset.
Frustrated.
Annoyed.
Stressed.

Sometimes I feel like he doesn't actually hear me. His brain hears the words that come out of my mouth, but he's not really listening. I don't know how to express it. It scares me to tell him how I feel, but it shouldn't. I know he gets me, he understands. But I resist so much really letting loose when I'm with him because I'm afraid of losing him. I know that won't happen, but that's what it feels like. It's stupid that I can't just say what I need to say because I know I'm capable of doing it, I just resist it. I sent him a text instead of calling him. I feel like a failure.

Thinking, listening, writing

Sitting here, in the darkness. Nothing but me, my computer screen and the melodic musings of Mos Def. There's a light from the kitchen. Other than that, nothing. It's nice. Nothing is nice. Like an escape from everything. The noise, the talk, the chatter. Nothing is quiet. Not quiet silent, but quiet like I can hear myself think, ponder. 

Thinking.

Listening.

Writing.

It's only everything I've ever wanted. A momentary pause from the game of life. Like getting to just be. Just be human. A spirit within a body. A ghost inside a machine. With eyes to see, ears to listen. A brain to think. Fingers to feel the keys click underneath my finger tips. Moments like these make me excited to be alive. Brimming with thoughts, ideas. What's in store for tomorrow? More living. More new. More wonder. It's good. It's only everything I've every wanted.

The best days of my life

As I sit here and feel guilty I haven't posted in an embarrassingly long while, I find myself compelled to write about my family. I'm pretty sure there is nothing else in the world I love more. Not even sleeping in or going on vacation. And that's saying something, because those are both awesome.

What other weekend would it be more appropriate to muse on this topic? Thanksgiving for me this year has been a trifecta of family loving goodness that I wish I was never away from. Thursday we spent the holiday with our "chosen family," the Hermanson's. Rod and Bobbie graciously invited us into their homes to celebrate with them along with their two sons, Matt and Jake, and Rod's parents. It was an all day affair filled with deep fried turkey, jello shots and many games of Canadian Rummy. Perhaps it wasn't the most traditional Thanksgiving, but it has been by far my favorite of the 20 years I've been around.

Today, I carried on the tradition of baking Finn bread, a family recipe, passed down through the lineage of the Bidon family. First and foremost, I am extremely thankful for being a part of my step-mom's family. I have known them practically my whole life and am finally to the point where I feel like I'm one of them. My sister Jackie and I were taught how to bake this amazing bread (and also how to eat it). All the while, playing cards with the rest of the clan. Jeff and Kelly traveled all the way over from Wenachee for Thanksgiving along with their kids, Ian and Michael. Matt and Holly were there with their kids Enzo and Lilly (my FAVORITES, but don't tell). And of course Papa and Bamma were there. I set a personal record by playing 3 strait card games. Usually, I can hardly stand on game before my ADD mind screams at me to do something else.

Now, I'm at home. Getting ready for tomorrow, the Apple Cup, where I'll get to spend the day with my roommates cheering on our team to victory.

Albeit, practically none of the people listed above are actually related to me, but funny thing is, they might as well be because I love each of them more than I have the capacity to explain in any combination of words. When I'm with these people, my family, nothing else matters. I'm happy and that's all I'll ever need.