As my senior year in college has commenced, I have begun running a gauntlet of foreign emotions and stages in my life that have been confusing, terrifying, exhilarating and exhausting. I can hear the clock ticking as my moments as a "care-free" college student come to an end and I have subconsciously started jamming every waking moment minute trying to fulfill my college dreams, aspirations and experiences. The result of my panic has been, shall I say, interesting.
After coming off an indescribable high from experiencing (yes, it is indeed and experience) the Dave Matthews Band at the Gorge and a last minute mini-vactation to Chicago and Philadelphia, I was thrust back into the daily grind. Get up at six. Shower, get ready, catch the bus. Work. Class. Work. Home. Homework. Bed. Rinse and repeat. Almost immediately after starting this monotonous regimen, I fell into a emotionally draining depression.
What's important to know about me: I'm a generally enthusiastic, happy human being. Feelings of sadness and anger are fleeting and rarely stick around for more than even an hour. I have bad days, but never have I had a bad couple of weeks. I was unable to shake the feelings of sorrow, grief, and anger that clouded my mind every morning. It was a frightening experience and began to concern me after a week. But I kept my mouth shut. I suffered quietly until it was unbearable and to the point where I noticed I actually was missing out on the experience of even being alive. Gradually I started to talk about how I felt with the people closest to me and within a week I could feel the bad feelings start to melt away and replaced by my old self.
As I reflect on what it was that sunk me into a depression, I realized it was a sudden lack of human connection. I thrive off being with people and going from a relatively free schedule in the summer time to a rigid, busy schedule surrounding school, I cut myself off socially. I've never realized how important it is to be myself around those I love on a daily basis. I've started to think more and more about other people and what kinds of relationships I want with them, how to compromise to ensure we enjoy each other, and prioritize my life around my needs, then my desires.
With two months ahead of me booked solid with things to do, both fun and not so fun, I know the most important thing will be to celebrate every moment and experience it like it's new, even if I've done it a hundred times before. I'll be a tourist in my own life.
"I can't believe that we would lie in our graves, wondering if we had spend our living days well. I can't believe that we would lie in our graves, dreaming of things that we might have been." - DMB
