What would it be like to be returned to the innocence of being 2 years old? As I sit here with my 4 and 1.5 year old cousins, I started to think about just that. In the Landmark Forum (still excited about it), my forum leader discussed how before the age of about 3, we all just "are". That is, we have no way we have to be, we can just be. How amazing! No societal rules or norms, no worrying about looking good or avoiding looking bad, no compensating for weaknesses. You really are living in the moment. You are completely present to everything happening around you all the time.
In our world, it's hard if not impossible to live like this. There is a constant undertone to everything we do and say, the undertone of resignation and criticism all having to do with the fact we are terrified of looking bad in front of others. But a 2 year old does not have this fear. What would it be like to never have to learn this fear? I would love to experience this some time without thinking about it. I know it, but it's not automatic for me yet. I want to live my life completely present. I want to just be!
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Love the life you live, live the life you love
I have been meaning to post on this for some time, so forgive me for the lag. I recently participated in The Landmark Forum, a piece of Landmark Education's Curriculum for Living. The only way I can sum up the forum is with the word "transformational".
I spent three whole days and one evening surrounded by 150 seemingly ordinary people whom I have come to see are more than spectacular. These strangers were with me for the ups and downs as we experienced the forum. By the end, I can say I feel like I gained 150 new best friends.
What is it that makes opening up to a complete stranger so easy when I constantly stuff my emotions and feelings around my friends and family? I think I discovered that answer during the forum. I had a major breakthrough on Saturday night of the forum. I literally experienced the moment from living in intense fear, allowing myself to be completely vulnerable to seeing the complete absurdity of that fear. The fear I never knew was there. Not consciously at least. I was deathly afraid of people, of people finding out who I really am. But then again, who am I really? I did not even know that answer but lived my life in fear other people would find out and reject me. However, there is flip side to this human condition of fear of people. True people are dangerous, but then you must realize that you too are dangerous. Here I was so preoccupied living out of fear of other dangerous people, I never realized how scared other people are of me! Silly old me! I cannot explain the immense power I gained over my life realizing this.
The forum is all about creating possibility for your life. I have created numerous possibilities for myself, one being having a completely new and transformed relationship with my step-mom, Janelle. For the first time in my life, I was able to be completely present and mean the words "I love you" when I said them to her. I have always loved her, but somehow found myself holding back whenever I was "prompted" to say it. But realizing that my future is completely empty, that I can "be" anyway I want to be in my future, it made it simple for me to do this. I found myself moved and touched that I had this power, and many can tell you the joy I get out of this story, as I've told it numerous times!
All in all, I can't begin to explain the huge impact that Landmark has had on my life so far. Just writing this short blog about it has inspired me to live my life powerfully and live the life I love.
I am inventing the possibility for me and my life the possibility of being peaceful and adventurous!
I spent three whole days and one evening surrounded by 150 seemingly ordinary people whom I have come to see are more than spectacular. These strangers were with me for the ups and downs as we experienced the forum. By the end, I can say I feel like I gained 150 new best friends.
What is it that makes opening up to a complete stranger so easy when I constantly stuff my emotions and feelings around my friends and family? I think I discovered that answer during the forum. I had a major breakthrough on Saturday night of the forum. I literally experienced the moment from living in intense fear, allowing myself to be completely vulnerable to seeing the complete absurdity of that fear. The fear I never knew was there. Not consciously at least. I was deathly afraid of people, of people finding out who I really am. But then again, who am I really? I did not even know that answer but lived my life in fear other people would find out and reject me. However, there is flip side to this human condition of fear of people. True people are dangerous, but then you must realize that you too are dangerous. Here I was so preoccupied living out of fear of other dangerous people, I never realized how scared other people are of me! Silly old me! I cannot explain the immense power I gained over my life realizing this.
The forum is all about creating possibility for your life. I have created numerous possibilities for myself, one being having a completely new and transformed relationship with my step-mom, Janelle. For the first time in my life, I was able to be completely present and mean the words "I love you" when I said them to her. I have always loved her, but somehow found myself holding back whenever I was "prompted" to say it. But realizing that my future is completely empty, that I can "be" anyway I want to be in my future, it made it simple for me to do this. I found myself moved and touched that I had this power, and many can tell you the joy I get out of this story, as I've told it numerous times!
All in all, I can't begin to explain the huge impact that Landmark has had on my life so far. Just writing this short blog about it has inspired me to live my life powerfully and live the life I love.
I am inventing the possibility for me and my life the possibility of being peaceful and adventurous!
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Life. Or something like it.
I have just finished two weeks of non-stop, on the move, never having a minute to relax nightmare. Well, I guess nightmare is a bit of an overstatement, because I won't lie, some of it was fun.
To give you a rough idea, I have worked an approximate total of 65+ hours at Fircrest Golf Course. For those of you that don't know, I work there as a bag room employee, meaning I am responsible for golf bags, greeting members, taking care of carts, the range, etc. The list of responsibilities is actually a good three pages typed out, compliments of my fabulous boss, Brenden. Anyway, the short of it is, my job can be on the labor intensive side. There is a reason you work 4-6 hour shifts as opposed to 8 hour shifts. You can get burnt out pretty fast. Now seeing as I worked there almost everyday (two days off in the past two weeks), you might be able to say I burnt myself out. Not to mention yesterday AND today I worked a double shift. Ugh.
I'm not totally sure why I have felt the need to work work work. I have money (for once!), so it's not that. I think I sorta feel like this summer needs to be like real life. I need to start working everyday, or close to it, eight-ish hours and get used to a daily routine. I'm feeling the need to just start my life. College is fun, and I most definitely miss it, but just the summertime has brought me to a point where I want to get a day job and work. That's just where I'm at now, but I'm sure as soon as I get to Seattle, those feelings will change.
Also, Josh left for school already. I can't believe he is already back in Pullman! I feel like I barely saw him at all. Especially compared to last summer. But cest la vie! We're all growing up and have jobs, lives, responsibilities... We don't have that same freedom we did as freshly graduated seniors from high school. I miss him already! I guess it's not so much that I feel we're drifting apart that I'm afraid we will drift apart. I don't know. Me being a paranoid girl I guess. He's so busy at school pursuing his life goals and aspirations as an athletic trainer, it makes it hard to find time to visit. Hopefully time will fly and I will see him soon!
As for the good/fun part of the past two weeks, I have spent some time with Jimmy and Zach, two of my good friends. I feel the clock ticking with Jimmy though. He leaves for Pullman I think next week. We are going to see The Dark Knight at the IMAX tomorrow night and that should be fun. I love how our friendship has grown since high school. We are so comfortable with each other, it allows me to genuinely be myself in front of him, something that I never had with him in high school. I definitely sense the change in him and it compliments him well! I am planning to visit him mid September and looking forward to it very much! Zach leaves close to the same time as I do, so I haven't felt that clock yet. Recently Zach and I have been watching Lost, a fantastic show! I feel we have become much better friends over the summer as well. Zach is the kind of guy every person should have as their friend. He is kind, funny, generous, and accepting. He has transfered to Central this year and I only wish him the best! We are planning on seeing Pineapple Express tomorrow. Can't wait!
Cody got back from Boston today and we are going to go golfing (hopefully) tomorrow. That will be fun. I haven't seen him in a while. I miss my baby bro!
I'm very much looking forward to the remainder of August. This next weekend I have my Landmark seminar up in Seattle, and I couldn't be more excited! I have gone through a lot just to be able to do this and I can't wait to see what I get out of it. Our family Ocean Shores trip is coming up as well, and that always proves to be exciting! Lastly, Bumbershoot is quickly approaching! With my next paycheck, I plan on getting a three day pass so I can enjoy all three days of music and magic.
To give you a rough idea, I have worked an approximate total of 65+ hours at Fircrest Golf Course. For those of you that don't know, I work there as a bag room employee, meaning I am responsible for golf bags, greeting members, taking care of carts, the range, etc. The list of responsibilities is actually a good three pages typed out, compliments of my fabulous boss, Brenden. Anyway, the short of it is, my job can be on the labor intensive side. There is a reason you work 4-6 hour shifts as opposed to 8 hour shifts. You can get burnt out pretty fast. Now seeing as I worked there almost everyday (two days off in the past two weeks), you might be able to say I burnt myself out. Not to mention yesterday AND today I worked a double shift. Ugh.
I'm not totally sure why I have felt the need to work work work. I have money (for once!), so it's not that. I think I sorta feel like this summer needs to be like real life. I need to start working everyday, or close to it, eight-ish hours and get used to a daily routine. I'm feeling the need to just start my life. College is fun, and I most definitely miss it, but just the summertime has brought me to a point where I want to get a day job and work. That's just where I'm at now, but I'm sure as soon as I get to Seattle, those feelings will change.
Also, Josh left for school already. I can't believe he is already back in Pullman! I feel like I barely saw him at all. Especially compared to last summer. But cest la vie! We're all growing up and have jobs, lives, responsibilities... We don't have that same freedom we did as freshly graduated seniors from high school. I miss him already! I guess it's not so much that I feel we're drifting apart that I'm afraid we will drift apart. I don't know. Me being a paranoid girl I guess. He's so busy at school pursuing his life goals and aspirations as an athletic trainer, it makes it hard to find time to visit. Hopefully time will fly and I will see him soon!
As for the good/fun part of the past two weeks, I have spent some time with Jimmy and Zach, two of my good friends. I feel the clock ticking with Jimmy though. He leaves for Pullman I think next week. We are going to see The Dark Knight at the IMAX tomorrow night and that should be fun. I love how our friendship has grown since high school. We are so comfortable with each other, it allows me to genuinely be myself in front of him, something that I never had with him in high school. I definitely sense the change in him and it compliments him well! I am planning to visit him mid September and looking forward to it very much! Zach leaves close to the same time as I do, so I haven't felt that clock yet. Recently Zach and I have been watching Lost, a fantastic show! I feel we have become much better friends over the summer as well. Zach is the kind of guy every person should have as their friend. He is kind, funny, generous, and accepting. He has transfered to Central this year and I only wish him the best! We are planning on seeing Pineapple Express tomorrow. Can't wait!
Cody got back from Boston today and we are going to go golfing (hopefully) tomorrow. That will be fun. I haven't seen him in a while. I miss my baby bro!
I'm very much looking forward to the remainder of August. This next weekend I have my Landmark seminar up in Seattle, and I couldn't be more excited! I have gone through a lot just to be able to do this and I can't wait to see what I get out of it. Our family Ocean Shores trip is coming up as well, and that always proves to be exciting! Lastly, Bumbershoot is quickly approaching! With my next paycheck, I plan on getting a three day pass so I can enjoy all three days of music and magic.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Whoooo are you? Who who? Who who?
You think you know me, but you have no idea (Oh MTV). Some little known facts about yours truly, not that you really wanted to know. Or did. You're reading it...
My knees crack every time I bend them. I can flip my tounge all the way upside down. The nail on my left thumb is bigger than my right. I'm a fantastic whistler. I'm a dog person, but i don't have floppy ears and a tail (imagine that). I had a bat mitzvah on 2/2/02. We danced the electric slide. i'm literally obsessed with the television show House. And now thanks to Zach (see previous post) the show Lost. I would have Hugh Jackman's child. I'm constantly thinking about music, whether consciously or not. I think the word "hijack" looks funny when typed on the computer. So does "Djibouti". I have really big big toes. I hate mechanical pencils because they smear when i write but that is all I write with. My cat steals my money. My dog eats it. Bagels are only worth it if they are lathered in schmear. I eat lox plain. I own too many tshirts. One is from Israel. I got it from a trade, one Israeli shirt for one Seattle shirt. My cat is staring at me right now. I just yelled her name out and she ran away. I think gorillas are rude. Narwhals do exist. Meg knows everything, I'm convinced. She totally identified the starfish that I'm holding in my profile picture. The fifth element is a crappy movie, except when the alien dances. I watch Saturday Night Live religiously. Nick brings out the best in me. 9 times out of 10 I'll call Yushin "yu" and wait 3 seconds and then "shin".I say effing a lot. I also call anyone and everyone "Ruth". I have the tendency to curse a lot after i see stand up. Only Jimmy and I know why the napkin factory is funny. I feel bad for salmon, but then I remember how delicious they are and I forget about it. I wish I was a stand up comedian. My middle finger on my left hand is crooked and makes an interesting insult. If I don't drink coffee in the morning, run away. I love to drive, I can't get enough. My parents think Gwen is my evil twin. Evil? She's probably the good one. We baked a cream puff that looked like a hippo. My brother knows how to say ham in Spanish. Also the word hamburger. I don't know what it's really called, but crack sauce is heavenly. I'm a terrible rice maker. If I could, I would fly. I once had plaid chucks with Tweety Bird on them. I also grew strawberries. I'm a quote whore. I'm deathly afraid of needles. Bigfoot scares the crap out of me. Airplane! is the best movie ever made. I only eat M & M's in pairs of two. They have to be the same color, otherwise I throw them away. I never call my dogs by their real names, instead I just make up new ones. I have a lot of freckles. I suck at spelling. I laugh at inappropriate times. I have really thick, curly hair. I used to have braces. My cousin doesn't like ice in her drinks. Annie still has my copy of Wedding Crashers. I never knew that hide-a-bed really meant that it was hidden. Same with pay-per-view. If you couldn't already tell, I'm slow. I love Jeopardy. I named one of my dogs after a French monarch. The other a Star Wars character. I've never watched Lord of the Rings. I wish I was born in 1938. I also wish Mel Brooks was my grandpa. I have an abby normal brain. I know a lot of random crap. I have personally witnessed the insanity that is my sister. I've been to Canada once. I currently work at a golf course. I'm sleep deprived. Stubble is sexy. So are big smiles. I wouldn't want to live anywhere else but Western Washington. I love New York. I once saw 1,000,000 dollars. I was also given an actual reality check by Jackie. I over use the word awesome. Enzo and Lily are my favorites. I make them mac and cheese with hotdogs every Wednesday. I have a mild case of insomnia, but only on Sunday nights. I know how to say "I love cake" in Hebrew. My dad is 6' 5". I'm 5' 6". Abrian once told me she thinks I'll become an evil dictator. She's probably right. Mr. Hankel's dog looks exactly like mine. I once met Bill Nye. I think he was really drunk. My best friend lives in Yelm. My parents think interrupting cows are hilarious. Will Forte is my hero. I have written this while listening to the title screen to Season 3 disc 3 of Lost.
My knees crack every time I bend them. I can flip my tounge all the way upside down. The nail on my left thumb is bigger than my right. I'm a fantastic whistler. I'm a dog person, but i don't have floppy ears and a tail (imagine that). I had a bat mitzvah on 2/2/02. We danced the electric slide. i'm literally obsessed with the television show House. And now thanks to Zach (see previous post) the show Lost. I would have Hugh Jackman's child. I'm constantly thinking about music, whether consciously or not. I think the word "hijack" looks funny when typed on the computer. So does "Djibouti". I have really big big toes. I hate mechanical pencils because they smear when i write but that is all I write with. My cat steals my money. My dog eats it. Bagels are only worth it if they are lathered in schmear. I eat lox plain. I own too many tshirts. One is from Israel. I got it from a trade, one Israeli shirt for one Seattle shirt. My cat is staring at me right now. I just yelled her name out and she ran away. I think gorillas are rude. Narwhals do exist. Meg knows everything, I'm convinced. She totally identified the starfish that I'm holding in my profile picture. The fifth element is a crappy movie, except when the alien dances. I watch Saturday Night Live religiously. Nick brings out the best in me. 9 times out of 10 I'll call Yushin "yu" and wait 3 seconds and then "shin".I say effing a lot. I also call anyone and everyone "Ruth". I have the tendency to curse a lot after i see stand up. Only Jimmy and I know why the napkin factory is funny. I feel bad for salmon, but then I remember how delicious they are and I forget about it. I wish I was a stand up comedian. My middle finger on my left hand is crooked and makes an interesting insult. If I don't drink coffee in the morning, run away. I love to drive, I can't get enough. My parents think Gwen is my evil twin. Evil? She's probably the good one. We baked a cream puff that looked like a hippo. My brother knows how to say ham in Spanish. Also the word hamburger. I don't know what it's really called, but crack sauce is heavenly. I'm a terrible rice maker. If I could, I would fly. I once had plaid chucks with Tweety Bird on them. I also grew strawberries. I'm a quote whore. I'm deathly afraid of needles. Bigfoot scares the crap out of me. Airplane! is the best movie ever made. I only eat M & M's in pairs of two. They have to be the same color, otherwise I throw them away. I never call my dogs by their real names, instead I just make up new ones. I have a lot of freckles. I suck at spelling. I laugh at inappropriate times. I have really thick, curly hair. I used to have braces. My cousin doesn't like ice in her drinks. Annie still has my copy of Wedding Crashers. I never knew that hide-a-bed really meant that it was hidden. Same with pay-per-view. If you couldn't already tell, I'm slow. I love Jeopardy. I named one of my dogs after a French monarch. The other a Star Wars character. I've never watched Lord of the Rings. I wish I was born in 1938. I also wish Mel Brooks was my grandpa. I have an abby normal brain. I know a lot of random crap. I have personally witnessed the insanity that is my sister. I've been to Canada once. I currently work at a golf course. I'm sleep deprived. Stubble is sexy. So are big smiles. I wouldn't want to live anywhere else but Western Washington. I love New York. I once saw 1,000,000 dollars. I was also given an actual reality check by Jackie. I over use the word awesome. Enzo and Lily are my favorites. I make them mac and cheese with hotdogs every Wednesday. I have a mild case of insomnia, but only on Sunday nights. I know how to say "I love cake" in Hebrew. My dad is 6' 5". I'm 5' 6". Abrian once told me she thinks I'll become an evil dictator. She's probably right. Mr. Hankel's dog looks exactly like mine. I once met Bill Nye. I think he was really drunk. My best friend lives in Yelm. My parents think interrupting cows are hilarious. Will Forte is my hero. I have written this while listening to the title screen to Season 3 disc 3 of Lost.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
4 8 15 16 23 42
Oh dear! I have become hopelessly devoted to the show Lost. I recently blazed through Season 2 in a vain attempt to catch up to real time. Thanks to Zach, I have the resources and inspiration to quench my thirst for more Dharma Initiative, more mysterious hatches, and more Others.
Way back in December, Zach, a good man and a better friend, introduced me to Lost. I had heard of the hubbub surrounding the show, but just dismissed it back when it premiered in 2004. I was far too busy and enamored with characters like Greg House, Michael Scott, and Gabrielle Solis. But. alas, my eyes were opened and my attention captured from the moment Oceanic flight 815 crashed on the island.
I'm not sure why I am so attracted to the show. I think perhaps the turns, twists, connections, and mystery surrounding everything is it. Each connection that is made through flashbacks taps into some part me that just craves more. I have to know why. Why were these people, all connected to each other by a mere six degrees of separation or less, why are they on the island together? It exploits the notion of fate, and destiny, which I myself am not sure actually exists. I want to know why the island has eradicated Rose's cancer and causes Locke's leg to heal at a superhuman rate. Why are there polar bears? What is the smoke monster? Who are the others? It does not seem trivial who is allowed to live and who dies. The island is alive. It is like some sort of destiny maker. Once a character has come to terms with some conflict, some fear, or some character flaw, their purpose has been served, their life ended. What type of justice is that? Perhaps it is part of something bigger. The island is all a part of something bigger. I love this type of speculation and I can't wait to find more answers, and uncover more mysteries. Lost is my newest obsession. Let's see where it leads me.
Way back in December, Zach, a good man and a better friend, introduced me to Lost. I had heard of the hubbub surrounding the show, but just dismissed it back when it premiered in 2004. I was far too busy and enamored with characters like Greg House, Michael Scott, and Gabrielle Solis. But. alas, my eyes were opened and my attention captured from the moment Oceanic flight 815 crashed on the island.
I'm not sure why I am so attracted to the show. I think perhaps the turns, twists, connections, and mystery surrounding everything is it. Each connection that is made through flashbacks taps into some part me that just craves more. I have to know why. Why were these people, all connected to each other by a mere six degrees of separation or less, why are they on the island together? It exploits the notion of fate, and destiny, which I myself am not sure actually exists. I want to know why the island has eradicated Rose's cancer and causes Locke's leg to heal at a superhuman rate. Why are there polar bears? What is the smoke monster? Who are the others? It does not seem trivial who is allowed to live and who dies. The island is alive. It is like some sort of destiny maker. Once a character has come to terms with some conflict, some fear, or some character flaw, their purpose has been served, their life ended. What type of justice is that? Perhaps it is part of something bigger. The island is all a part of something bigger. I love this type of speculation and I can't wait to find more answers, and uncover more mysteries. Lost is my newest obsession. Let's see where it leads me.
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